Fucking did it. We bought a boat.
Drink.
I dub thee, Bitch Slayer.
We're retired, a little early retirement.
- Yeah, the company that went under. - Whatever.
Look at that shit.
Look at that, man.
I'm out.
Hmm.
I got it. I got it.
Okay. okay.
- ighten this thing. - h, okay.
hat's your ob, heldon. You got it.
ome on, man, you're the irst mate.
ate, irst.
[rock music]
[distant splash]
Okay, I got 'em.
heldon.
ow, how did he get past me
other He's not small.
[rock music]
[distant splash]
[creature roaring]
ominous music
o there's strong scientiic evidence
that octopi are smaer than dolphins.
o why in the deepest pas o the ocean
couldn't there be similar animals,
,, even a hundred times more intelligent.
ut how could anything but microbes
survive in those kind of conditions?
I assure you.
Things dwell at the bottom of the sea that are far more sinister
than the human mind would care to imagine.
[knocking at the door]
I'm sorry, class. Something has come up.
We will pick up from there tomorrow.
What's this all about?
I don't know, but it came straight from the council.
The council hasn't been in session for years.
Good, Lake, you're here.
I believe the sister relic has been found.
The cult has been working to secure the relic.
If they have succeeded in finding the other half,
mankind could be in for short and devastated war.
The relic must not be rejoined.
Our piece must be delivered to a descendant of H.P.. Lovecraft.
Lake, this task has been appointed to you.
What?
But why?
I'm the least experienced of the council.
I haven't had weapons training in 15 years.
This is true but all of us are well beyond our days of adventure.
Lake, for countless of ages, we have fought to keep mankind safe
from the horrors hidden and waiting in the dark places of the earth.
Your time has come.
But alone what chance do I have?
Not much.
My money is on you being brutality killed within two days.
But what choice do we have?
The relic must be delivered,
or all hope is lost.
So be it.
Who's next in the bloodline?
[phone ringing]
Sqrly Sqrl Gift Baskets, this is Jeff.
May I take your order?
I...I'm so...I'm sorry, ma'am.
No, no, no. I understand.
Yes.
Ok...okay.
Yeah. All right.
Look into my eyes.
Ah-hum
Damn it, Charlie!
What the hell is this?
That's Mr. Sqrly Sqrl with a chainsaw,,
buzzin' prices.
Not company protocol.
Okay.
And what did I say about bringing those things into work.
That I should because they're entertaining and aw,esome.
Don't be a smart ass, Charlie.
Oh, I think, sir, I feel a moment here.
It's you and Skelly Man.
Your eyes, they're meeting. It's meeting.
There's hatred but Skelly Man says "l don't hate."
Why can't you just take care of your shit like your co-worker, Jeff, over there.
Well, sir, that's because Jeffy-boy after whittling aw,ay in this cubicle all day,
comes home and locks himself in his room
where he starts to make a slow kind of gentle love to himself.
It's like this moaning like, like a...hmmm.
Do you knowwhat I mean? Like, hmmm.
Mr. Russell, you're over sharing.
You're an asshole, Charlie.
Hostile, too.
Just get your work done, gentleman,
and if I see one of those things anywhere near your desk,
you're fired.
Hey, happy birthday, big guy.
Is this really my freaking life?
Hey, man, are you happy stuck in this shitty cubicle all day?
God!
Stop talking!
Okay!
Stop it, you guys. I'm working here.
This is a place of buis...
Nobody gives a shit about your high score, Henry.
Ah-hum.
Mother FucKer.
Hey, cheer up, man.
Think about that comic book we're going to sell.
Dude, that's your little dream, man.
I don't even like comic books.
And what...you started draw,ing that thing like six months ago,
and you have like two pages done.
Hey, those were sweet pages.
Take a look at those back--
Besides, there's a bunch of shit we could do.
Who cares?
Yeah, like what?
I don't know, like...Iike getting our pee-pee sucked by that goddess.
Is she coming over here right now?
P.Iease, please, please, just don't be an idiot this time.
P.Iease, keep your fucking idiot..
- P.ut that stupid thing aw,ay. - Shh. Shh.
Hi, boys.
Hey, Susie.
Um, hey, Jeff, I was wondering if you want to come to my place
this weekend to help me with all these paperwork.
-Ah...um...this weekend? - Mm-hmm.
Actually, it's kind of weird, me and Charlie were
working on this whole comic book thing so
kind of booked up,
but maybe I can stop by your cubicle on Monday
and we can go over all the paperwork and everything.
Would that be all right?
Ah...okay.
Sure. That's too bad.
See you guys later.
Okay. Bye, Susie.
I think that went well.
I like her a lot.
I should kill you with my stapler right now.
I'm going to put staple in each of your eyes.
No, it's just, you know, the whole timing thing wasn't right, so.
Yeah 'cause I'm pretty sure Susie wanted to move into pee-pee town
and you said no thanks.
No, it's because we have plans to plan the whole comic book thing.
You know what, an hour ago you didn't want to do the comic.
Whatever, man. I'm just saying you better hope juicy little Susie is a necrophiliac
by the time you get around to it.
Fuck you, man.
When was the last time you even got laid, anyway?
How about last weekend?
Bullshit. Who?
Nicki from accounting.
Oh my God, I'm so close...
I'm so close...don't stop where you're taking me to!
Oh my God, I'm so close! Don't... Don't...
Ow!
Hey, be careful. That's a collectible.
What about my eye?
Ah...first edition.
Are you joking?
Why don't you go fuck your stupid toy then, asshole?
God.
Let's just say she thought I was quite the freak.
Great, bro. That's just one more girl at work
that I'm not going to be able to make eye contact with
because I know I live with you, dude.
- You're kind of a pussy. - I'm not a pussy.
Long have we aw,aited your return.
Now, that we have recovered a portion of the relic,
it has allowed us to release you.
Who is your leader?
I am.
Who is your leader?
We only serve one master.
I have summoned the last of the ancient Deep Ones.
They are still half a day's journey from shore.
So until their arrival, you will all...suffice.
Now, bring me the relic.
Nice shirt.
[growls]
This half signifies the beginning of a newworld.
No man shall prevent the second coming of the great Old Ones.
Once again, our time is upon us.
Dude, what's this?
A comic book that I actually bought foryour birthday
but you found it early.
Goblin Wizards number 63, dude?
- You're welcome. - Thanks.
Happy birthday.
Look at them. I'm so happy, man.
It reminds me of how you used to be.
What is that supposed to mean?
You've never done the splits in the air but
you know, he's happy,
shooting a little mother fucking magic into the world.
No, I just live in reality.
I mean, yeah, I may drive a fucking carwith a squirrel on the side of it,
but otherthan that, dude.
Yeah, no, I mean, you're like the...you know,
you're like that smiley, happy.
I don't fucking live in a little dream land like you do,
so just take your comic book and say thanks.
- Okay. Happy birthday. - Dude, this is aw,esome.
- Thank you, bro. - That's all I want to hear, bro.
- It's cool. Cool. - All right. Cool, man. Thanks, dude.
- You like it? - Yeah, I'm thrilled.
Hey, Jeff, there's some old guy in our apartment.
Oh, yeah. How old?
I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
What the hell.
How did you even get in here, man?
Is one of you Jeff P.hillips?
Thanks, bro.
Yeah, I'm Jeff.
Do I knowyou 'cause you just broke into our house.
I don't have much time.
The Council of Cthulhu has sent me to give you an ancient relic,
one you must risk your life to protect.
Mm-hmm. Well, here's athought.
Why don't you go back to your little cardboard box or whatever you craw,led out of
and then I won't have to call the cops.
I wish it were that simple.
I know this will be hard for you to believe.
Have you heard of the author H.P.. Lovecraft?
Ah...he's onlythe forefather of modern horror, so yeah.
Why I'm I not surprised you know what he's talking about.
Jeff, you're the end of a great bloodline,
the last living relative of Lovecraft himself.
Listen, okay.
Lovecraft wrote about this.
There are people who say they have firsthand account of,
of these monsters that the mere knowledge of
would drive a man insane.
Lovecraft disguised the truth of these nightmares as fiction
and formed a secret society to stand against them.
Okay. Well, while you guys are doing little comic book party here,
I'm going to go dial 911.
I'm not talking... Comic books, comic books.
Wait, wait, wait a second.
Here it is.
Tales of the Deep issue 171,
The Rise and Fall of Cthulhu.
It's all in here, man.
Check it out.
Millions of years ago when the earth was in its infancy,
Cthulhu and his minions came From the stars
and built the great city oF R'lyeh.
It was the time oF the dinosaurs.
Cthulhu was going to rule this world,
but the earth had already been colonized by the Shoggoths
and their masters are race oF aliens Known as the Elder Things.
Cthulhu was pissed.
A great war was Fought between the two alien races.
The Elder Things send in wave aFter wave oF their shoggoth hordes.
It was a long and bloody war
until a giant meteorite, or whatever Killed the dinosaurs
came hurdling towards the earth
sending Cthulhu bacK to his tomb beneath the sea
and sent the Elder Things Fleeing into the last great utopia
among the Mountains oF Madness.
The meteor crushed into the earth
[makes crashing noises]
causing the great ice age.
Cthulhu waited For the stars to align as the earth gave way to civilization.
He sent Forth his minions
Ied by his general Star-spawn
who inFluenced manKind using telepathy.
[making telepathy noises]
And thus, the cult oF Cthulhu was born.
The cult spread to all areas oF the world,
China, Japan,
England, France,
parts oF KentucKy,
a small piece oF land in Ireland Known as Worchester.
They bayou.
And From the darKest corners oF the earth, cult worshipped their master,
waiting For the day the stars would again align,
and they could release Cthulhu From his tomb beneath the sea
to once again rule in his dominion over man.
[making roaring noises]
It's pretty much we're talking about...Cthulhu.
In part, but it fails to mention the relic,
an ancient key made into parts, split and lost centuries ago.
If this relic comes together when the great city of R'lyeh rises,
it forms the key to Cthulhu's tomb.
The stars are aligning.
The cult has found the other piece.
Now, you must keep this safe
until the city sinks beneath the waves once more.
This was fashioned by the Old Ones
using craft and skill lost long ago.
It cannot be destroyed by man or any known force.
Right.
Can I hold it?
[thud]
- What'd I do? - What the fuck was that?
That's it. I'm calling the cops.
Come on. You've got to be shittin' me.
We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
Whoa!
If they found us, the council is already dead.
Get behind me!
[pounding on door]
Run. P.rotect the relic,
the fate of the world rest with you now.
So, you are the one?
I am.
[growling]
I'll drive! I'll drive!
This is fucking crazy, man.
There's no such thing as fish people, dude!
Ah!
- Start the car, okay! - I don't have the keys!
You have the keys!
It's like a volcano with teeth!
- Get it off the window! - I'm trying to.
It won't come off.
Get him off! Get him off!
[together] Ah!
Where the fuck is reverse in this thing?
Into the front.
Got it!
You've got a lot of fight in you, old man.
It's not too late to serve your true god.
I know my path,
and it doesn't lead to rotting at the bottom of the sea
with you and your masters.
[roaring]
[growling]
I don't understand this crazy comic book Cthulhu bullshit!
Okay. Look, man, when I was reading, it was just a comic book.
There weren't monsters hitting mywindow.
So what the fuck are we going to do?
What the fuck are we going to do?
I don't know. I think he was pretty clear,
you're supposed to save the world and shit.
Oh, really?
I look like a fucking hobbit to you, bro?
- Afucking hobbit. - Okay, okay, okay.
Let me think. Let me think. Let me think, all right. Okay.
Oh, shit, man! P.aul Reemer, man!
That kid from high school.
You remember, you broke both of his arms.
Yeah, so?
All right, right, well, that kid ate Lovecraft, bro.
If we can find him, he can probably help us.
- How the hell are we going to find him? - I don't know.
A guy like that probably still lives with his grandparents, right?
We're going to go. We're just going to go find him somewhere.
Find P.aul Reemer out of thin air.
Here we come, P.aul. Are you ready?
Here we come.
All right, knock.
You knock.
No, you're the one who mentioned coming over here.
Just fucking knock on the door.
Hey, man, you're the chosen one, okay.
I can only show you the door. I can't open it--
I'm not the chosen one, just knock on the fucking door.
Come on, man, just knock.
You are pathetic.
This isn't right.
Well, it's our only plan.
Did you see him? Look what he's wearing!
A fucking fish head on his...
What do you want me to do about it, man?
I don't dress the kid.
So what if he's still looks retarded...
Hey, P.aul, I don't know if you remember me, Charlie.
We had science class together.
This is Jeff. He used to punch you in the back of the head.
Remember the...
Anyway, I just want to come by and say I'm sorry about that, so...
Yeah.
Well, I appreciate that, bone breaker.
So, what can I do for you, Charlie?
Ah, yeah. We wanted you to look at something
if we can just have a minute of your time, that would be...
Let's see it.
If we can just come inside, it's kind of important, so.
It has to do with Cthulhu, dude.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, entre vous.
Go on...
P.retty crazy running into you, guys, like this.
I don't have to keep up with the whole "alumni situation."
I don't know if you remember
back in high school, I used to be a bit of a lone wolf.
It's just how I roll.
Oh, would you look at this?
Looks like there's no peanut butter.
Boy, it'd sure be great if I can make a sandwich.
My own grandmother wasn't such a peanut butter whore!
I'm sorry, Nana.
Ah, I'll make one later.
Let's go to my room.
Fuck you.
Love you.
[water bubbling]
Bullshit.
We have the relic to prove it.
Oh, really?
Is it like mine?
Where the hell did you get this thing from, man?
What, you think you're the only one with the Mastercraft replica?
They make it from H.P.. Lovecraft draw,ings or something.
I don't know.
I have one of their light swords around here somewhere.
These things that tried to attack us.
They weren't after just some kind of a toy, man.
Look, I don't like you guys' tone of voice.
You're the two guys who came to the master's house for help.
Right, right. What, the master of your grandma's guest room?
Okay. Let me see yours.
- Huh. - What?
It's a fake.
It's a phony. It's not like mine, though.
It's like bootleg.
It's not like yours because it's real.
This is a boot-leg.
I'm so fucking sick of thiswhole Cthulhu bullshit.
It's all fake, anyway.
[ominous music]
Guys, I think something is going on.
Do you have like an LED relic?
Because, this is doing some weird stuff.
They found us in our apartment.
They're going to find us here for sure.
Okay. Tell me about the big guy again.
He was tall, reddish.
He had like this weird handle bar, tentacle mustache thing.
He still looked like a man, though.
Yeah. That's the Star-spaw,n.
That's like one of Cthulhu's main generals.
Okay. You're going to help us.
- No. - Yeah. You are, P.aul.
Well, I'm not ready to roll the nine-sided dice just yet
on this one, boys.
I think we need to find someone who's got a little firsthand knowledge of the situation.
That's great.
So, what's you're saying is you're a waste of our time?
No. What I'm saying is Captain Olaf.
It's sea captain.
Look, Captain Olaf had a run in with the Deep One a few years ago,
and he survived. That's like a big thing.
The Deep Ones are like Star-spaw,n's soldiers.
Like...they're bad news, right.
If there's anybody who can help us,
Olaf can, all right.
Look, look, here it is.
Here's a map to his place I got a few years ago.
That's less than a day's drive aw,ay.
It's like the best buck 25 I've ever spent.
That's great.
So, what your saying is your plan which suck balls,
is to go off some buck 25 souvenir map
and go find some sea captain in the fucking desert?
Okay, it's settled then. Give us the map.
No, no, no, no.
I've been waiting for a long time for something like this to come around.
I'm in this to win this as a team.
So, you're the master, what do we do?
I am Cthulhu. Ah...
I come from space and beyond down to the ocean depths.
Rarr...Ah...
Come on. We don't have time for this shit, man.
It's called being prepared, Jeff.
What do you care? You're the chosen one,
which is weird 'cause Lovecraft didn't even have any heirs.
Oh, you guys must have been secrets.
Oh, ow.
So why would he give me this relic?
I mean, even if I am related to this Lovecraft guy or whatever,
what can I possibly do?
Time out.
Okay. I have a theory.
Look, Lovecraft went through all these things with all these creatures,
stuff that would have driven other men mad.
But he didn't go mad, right?
He must have some kind of genetic predisposition
to not be affected, an immunity.
And if he had that, what's to say hypothetically
that can go down the bloodline to someone like you, his heir.
Ow! Awesome.
Star-spaw,n, behind you!
Deep One in your butt!
Oh, so here's what I'm supposed to do.
"Defeat the Star-spaw,n and send R'lyeh back to the abyss."
"Good luck, adventurers."
Hey, P.aul.
Tell your ugly grandma to stop calling people faggots
'cause that shit's not P.C-- What the fuck is on your face?
Hey, Clarence.
Hey, you remember my best friends from high school, right, Charlie and Jeff.
Either your grandma just slipped me acid in the breast milk she's always offering people,
or you're wearing a fucking Cthulhu mask.
The one you promised not to open without me.
Yeah. It totally is. But hey,
It's cool, though, because there is an emergency going on.
It's like a level one emergency.
Fucking bullshit, man.
Why don't I just take this 1985 blaster set that I just got on eBay
for us
and fucking playwith myself.
[toy gun blasting]
I get it. You're mad but shouldn't be, all right.
Just calm down.
It's like a fucking nerd black hole.
You want me to calm down.
Why don't you fucking calm down
after I fuck up your little outfit, huh?
You wouldn't dare.
- Oh, wouldn't I dare? - No.
Then why is my hand moving slowly towards your face.
I don't know but you're not daring.
You don't think I have the balls to do this!
Not even one ball.
Raped your fucking mask.
Bitch.
-Ah... - No, no, no, no!
What are you doing?
I got six bucks on laser beam boy.
I'll take it.
Ah! There it was.
Do you think you should break it up?
Eh, I'm kind of enjoying it to be honest with you.
Ah! [all yelling]
Break it up.
All right.
You guys can go to my basement
and then find whateveryou need for the trip.
[adventurous music]
Ah, Nana, I'm leaving now.
I'm going on an adventure with my friends
and it's an adventure full of glory and danger,
so I might not make it back.
P.Iease don't say what you always say when my friends come over
that I'm fat and retarded.
But that's how you look.
Come on!
I love you.
I'll never be your dungeon master again.
What? They're fish people.
I hate you.
All right.
Sorry.
I would have been a little bit quicker if somebody wasn't so old!
FucK you.
Hey, sweet mask.
Let's roll.
[pop music]
[creature growling]
[screaming]
[distant thud]
No! Oh my god!
[creature growling]
[screaming]
[creature hissing]
[screaming]
A praying mantis would destroy a salamander.
No, no.
You sound like an idiot, Charlie.
Do you know how fast a salamander is?
Hey, a salamander has no defenses, man.
A praying mantis has its little hook claw,s.
Somebody's never been into a zoo.
Seriously, salamanders,
praying mantis, what if dolphins were robots?
- What if dolphins were robots? - Yeah.
They're not, so shut the fuck up!
What do you want to do, man?
Do you want to go back and sit and work in your cubicle all day?
The Jeff P.hillips I know,
the one who defended that tree fort when we were kids?
Okay. He'd do something about this.
He'd make a difference.
He's right, Jeff.
You shut your mouth, you, little grandma's boy.
I'm sorry. Are we still a team?
Yeah, man. Are we still a team, Jeff P.hillips?
If you say Jeff P.hillips one more time,
I'll fucking turn you into bone dust.
Hey, this might be some pretty bad timing,
but I just wanted to thank you guys for bringing me along.
[together] Shut up!
We're still a team, Charlie.
Really? That's aw,esome, bro.
Gentle giant.
[machines powering up]
How charming. A half-breed.
[creatures growling]
These Deep Ones have travelled so far, my children,
and it is they you shall be serving.
You'll see, they are still so hungry.
All right. You stay here with the relic.
I'm going to see if they have a vending machine.
- Hey, can you see if they have cream cakes? - Yeah.
Good evening.
It's a nice boar you got there.
Yeah. I found it on the road.
You need a room?
No. I was wondering if you had a vending machine around here.
Does this look like a fucking Quick Mart to you?
No. I was just asking...
[laughing]
I was just kidding.
You should've seen your face.
Hey, Charlie, um...I was just thinking.
I made this bracelet when I was in the third grade,
and I never gave it to anybody.
I didn't have anybody to give it to.
I think I just held onto it for good luck.
Yeah.
So, do you have a vending machine at all?
There's a snack rack right there in the corner.
Bend on over and see what we got.
All right.
I was just thinking if anything would happen
I want you to have it, please.
Hey, you know what, man,
I'm a little flattered but I don't swing that way, so.
No, no, no. This is a friendship bracelet.
- Whoa! Hey! - Hey.
About what I said back there,
I didn't mean nothin' by it
so if you want to have sex with me or whatever.
No, man.
I'm cool, bro.
-Well? -Well, well what?
Do you need any magazines?
No.
You know, I don't really want the chips anymore.
I'm just going to take off.
Excuse me there.
Hey, this is my sex face.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, whatever you want to call it.
- It's what I'm calling it-- - Shh. Hey.
- It's for friendship. - Hey, nobody is judging, okay.
It's...we're all good, bro.
Be careful out there.
There are some weird folk out here in the desert.
I know.
Start the car.
It's already started, man.
There are some weird people here.
P.aul's gay.
[mysterious music]
Hey, Charlie, do you still make comic books like you did back in high school?
Yeah, yeah, man.
Actually, I got a couple of pages right now that are pretty sweet.
No way, really? What are they about?
Well, now, you see all these like Japanese fish and ponds and stuff in malls,
Okay, right, well they get fed up, right,
so they like reach back into their heritage and they make all these
ancient, you know, weapons and armors.
So, I mean, they become
[together] samurai fish.
Right, right.
And then they just...they come out and they fucking just...they slaughter people.
- It's like revenge, you know. - That is so good.
Yeah. Well, I mean, you know it's kind of stalled.
The fish have fins so they can't really do any proper blacksmithing.
I mean, it's a brilliant idea.
It's so good.
And who is to say that the samurai fish can't come in to contact
with like a league of gorillas with opposablethumbs
and they can make the armor and the weapons?
It's not out of the realm of realistic-ness.
I love that.
It's like a monkey-fish army.
You like it?
You can use it.
Guys, we're really are meant for each, I think.
What's wrong with that, Jeff?
Did you watch this show when you were a kid too, man?
[together] Goblins in forest, goblin magic!
- Yeah, I love that, man. - I didn't watch it.
All right, home slices.
Lets get in the damn car and get some sleep.
Hoo-rah?
Hey, P.aul, can we use your cellphone to set the alarm?
I left ours at home.
I don't have a cellphone.
Are you serious?
Who would I call?
Hey, all right, don't even worry about it, okay.
I like a human alarm clock.
Sincewhen, dude?
I've got it covered.
All right, just... Nighty-night.
Nighty-night, man.
Ah!
Good morning!
What the hell are you doing, you freak?
Did you reallythink we wouldn't find you?
- We're everywhere. - What? Big, greasy rhinos.
He's one of the cult of Cthulhu.
Step out of the car and hand over the relic.
- Start the car, man. - The big boss is on his way,
and I'm the one giving him the relic.
It won't start, dude.
Step out of the car and I won't have to kill you right aw,ay.
What are you talking about, bitch? There's like three of us.
- We'll take you out. - P.Iease, P.aul.
It doesn't work for you.
Hey, what's he doing?
I'm pretty sure the relic is fire proof, you little pop tarts.
Well, I guess, we'll find out.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
You win. You win. We're coming out.
That's what I'm talking about, ass-kicking time, right guys?
Shut the fuck up, P.aul.
Just listen.
When we get out of the car, you wait for my signal and we run.
Run?
Where to? We're in the middle of a fucking desert.
We don't have choice, dowe, dude?
Now bring that bag.
We're getting out.
Just calm down.
It's all good.
That's it, boys,
and keep playing ball and maybe I won't have to playwith yours.
Wait, what? Our balls?
You got balls, don't you?
Yeah. I guess, I just don't get the reference.
You were in there, dude. He'll fuck with your balls, bro.
Trust me.
Is that why you were running to the car, man?
Did you got your balls fucked with?
Just get ready to run.
I wouldn't run if I was you,
seeing as we have you surrounded.
All right, look. Easy, easy.
What are we going to do?
All right.
There's that bag from P.aul's house,
when I start to approach him, you throw me a weapon, all right.
No, no, no.
That's like the worst plan I've ever heard.
We don't have any other choice, all right.
Now, let's just do it.
All right.
I got the relic, I'm going to bring it overto you, all right.
I got it right here.
Now!
Why?
I was on top.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey look, everybody.
I got the relic.
P.aul, what the fuck are you doing?
I'm saving you!
Go.
Oh, god.
Do you guys exercise or something?
Like...doyou do cardio?
Hand over the relic.
Here, geez.
[laughing]
Wait, hold on...
Man.
If that map is right, this place should be around here somewhere.
Hey, man. Do you think P.aul is okay?
Oh, who knows, man? It's your fault anyway.
A fucking snorkel mask!
Hey, you know, I'm not good under pressure, all right.
A fucking snorkel mask, bro!
Hey,
that's an RV, right.
This place is a rat hole, man.
All right, knock.
You knock.
No, man. I did all knocking at P.aul's house.
Hey, we already established this, okay, you're the chosen one.
- I show you the door. - You're such a pussy, man.
[knocking on door]
[ringing bell]
Ain't nothing to see here, boys.
Just move along now.
Oh, we are looking for a man that might live around here.
Like I said, ain't nothing here.
No Captain Olaf for you.
Uh...
We never said anything about a Captain Olaf.
Would you be Captain Olaf?
Cripes, I keep doing that.
I'm Captain Olaf, 'tis true.
You got me there, but
I cannot help you fight the monsters. You seek to slay.
I don't know nothing about fighting no sea monsters.
Okay, bro.
We could go right back into the desert.
No, no. Look, we came this far.
We can do this.
Captain Olaf, open up. We need your help.
We have the relic, the one that opens Cthulhu's tomb.
You shouldn't speak so lightly of things you know nothing about.
Real or not,
that's not something you want to just be flashing about
Iike the ass end of a sea donkey.
Sea donkey?
Stop your yammerin'.
Get your asses in here before you bring down the minions of hell.
- All right, all right. We apolo-- - I shouldn't have...
Okay, okay, we're coming in.
All right, hold it.
Let me tidy up.
[seafaring music]
Go ahead. Have a seat.
That's a nice crab.
Sure, until you find it in your pants.
Yeah.
Now, let's hear your fish story.
[flies buzzing]
Oh, come on.
Ew.
[suspenseful music]
What is this?
I'm like a ninja eagle.
Ah!
[roaring]
Fools.
[roaring]
And that's why we're here.
We're hoping you can help us.
You boys have ever been fish-raped?
It's something you're not likely to forget.
We were out night fishing.
It was one of them real cold nights,
kind of cold that makes a man's balls want to hibernating
Iike a pair of weasels up inside his chest.
A creepin' fog coming out of space,
slipping overthe deep water.
We never even heard those things come aboard.
It killed my crew within minutes.
The sound of their screams still haunt mywaking hours.
I close my eyes,
I see the horror of a thousand deaths play across the blackness.
Those teeth,
those cold insidious eyes
that hell sent to drive a man to madness,
Deep Ones, as legend calls them
have hankerin' to mate with us, normal folk,
forthose scaled, webbed hands might tickle a bit.
I dare to even call them soothing.
Then bang! You're an anchovy popsicle.
If you catch my meaning.
Now, you boys start down this road,
that's all that's waiting for you,
awhole heapin' of fish-rapin'.
So why don't you do what I did.
Move as far aw,ay from the water as you can
and never look back.
[water splashing]
Don't worry. That's just Gary.
Is somebody back there?
Come on back. I'll introduce you.
What the hell is that thing?
Do you remember how I told you how Deep Ones like to mate with normal folks?
Well, Gary here is the unfortunate offspring of one such encounter.
You see, being that one of his parents is a Deep One,
he started changing as the ocean called him back.
His human side just keeps fighting to hang on.
I've been takin' care of him about six months now.
Good kid.
Here you go.
First, I thought I might be able to make a little money of the fellow.
You know, maybe start a little freak show or whatever.
Yeah, right, a freak show. That makes sense.
Well, that didn't quite pan out.
It seems you need a license for him...or it...or something.
I was just going to bury him out in the desert.
But then I realized I've grown fond of the little fellow.
Isn't that right, Gary.
You know, now, that I think about it and you've seen him up close,
you probably owe me a couple of bucks.
[distant thud]
You boys, expecting someone?
[together] No.
There's something out there,
and he's got a wild eye the size of a sperm whale.
God, it's P.aul.
- Wait! - P.aul.
P.aul.
Damn you, you fish worshipping freaks!
Damn you all!
Charlie.
P.aul, buddy.
Hi.
You're alive.
Yeah. They just broke my arms.
Does it hurt?
They broke both my arms.
Jeff, man, he's alive.
Come on. They just broke his arms.
All right. Come on. Get him back.
Ah!
- Ow, my arms! - Take it easy, take it easy.
Easy, guys.
Oh, man, what happened to him?
Set your bones down here and rest, what's left of them.
Try something of the captain's special tonic.
Good for what ails ya.
Is that Captain Olaf?
Is he cool?
Yeah, man. Hey, what happened?
Oh, while I was running aw,ay from the cult members,
saving you, remember?
Yeah, and I said I'm going to stop and fight and so I did,
and I started taking them down.
And then Star-spaw,n came, and he's like, "Ah, I'm red. Ah"
So, I started kicking him and then he turned into a giant octopus and stuff.
And so basically, I was the hero.
Star-spaw,n, huh?
Out here in the desert, they can be hurt.
They can't be out of the ocean indefinitely
without getting back to some sort of water.
Isn't that right, Gary?
What... Who's Gary?
Forget it.
Look, I say we make stand.
- What? - Yeah, what?
If that relic is reassembled, all hell is going to break loose,
and then what?
Are we just going to run forever?
Look.
They already killed the professor.
They broke both P.aul's arms, they violated the captain.
So, how long are we going to end up running until we stand up and fight?
Look, man, I'm sorry, but I say we keep running, okay.
What chance do we have against those things, Jeff?
Come on, Charlie.
What about all the stuff you said about saving the world?
What do you say, Cap?
Are you gonna help us?
I'm sorry, boys.
I've been living out here this long, and now this is where I'll die.
My love for life ended when they took the ocean from me.
Mywill to fight is long gone.
Hey, I don't want to interrupt but just FYl,
I'm pretty sure those guys saw, the map that leads to here
so whatever we're going to decide we should decide it.
I do have a weapon stash not far from here.
We can give them a real fight.
Okay, okay, okay, look. Okay.
I'm going to stay here with P.aul.
You get the stash and you get back.
Jeff and I will be back faster than whale shit through an ice flow.
Hey, be careful. You get back here, okay.
You know I will, man.
You guys got like a hidden handshake or something...
Ow, ow, ow.
Oh, that's spicy.
Are you hungry too, Gary?
Looks like peanut action, huh.
All right.
Here you go, little buddy.
Sour cream and onion.
Bingo.
Lets see here.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
Water, water. We've got to get you to water.
God.
Okay, hang in there.
Okay, hang on, that's my back.
Just breath.
Ah!
Oh, god, Gary.
Oh...Oh, god.
What are we looking for?
We're looking for an old sea chest I left in this branch of the cave.
Ah, hold on, Gary.
I'll get you to the water.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, now.
Okay.
Okay, Oh, all right.
Let's get you in there.
Okay. All right.
There you go, huh.
Got your little tub, huh.
There we go. There, there we go.
He's breathin' now, buddy. Look at that.
Oh, the sour cream and onion back there.
There she be.
Let's bring the dynamite too.
I like the cut of your jib.
Oh, god.
Gary!
He's dead.
What the hell did you do?
Hey, man, I couldn't even take care of my goldfish when I was a kid,
and you leave me with this.
That is not a goldfish.
You just killed Gary, man.
I tried to save Gary that's why he's in the sink.
He did try, kind of.
Did you put salt in the water?
Unbelievable.
I'm really sorry, Jeff. I've never babysat a mer-guy before.
It's common sense, Charlie.
Okay, Jeff, there's nothing common sense about a mer-guy named Gary living in an RV.
You did something I could never do,
kill an innocent sea creature.
Fine.
I suppose you put him out of his misery in some perverse way.
Right, huh, you see that, Jeff.
Looks like Gary had a guardian angel and his name is Charlie.
Right.
Everytime a fog horn blows another twisted mer-being gets his fins.
Exactly.
A moment of silence for our fallen comrade.
Bow your head.
I once had a fish pee on me for hours.
I loved it.
Well, all right then.
[distant roaring]
[roaring]
We got company.
Olaf, can you start the RV?
Do you happen to have an engine on you?
Oh, we're going to die. Aren't we?
Ah...bullets?
I keep them just outside... near the trash heap.
Why would you keep your bullets in the trash heap?
It's a safety issue.
For aw,hile when Gary was changing,
I wanted to shoot myself.
Figured it was better not to have them lying around inside the RV.
We're setting ducks out there, man.
They'll tear us apart even before we got to that trash heap.
Oh, right. That somebody decided to keep their bullets in.
Oh, we need some kind of a bait,
something to keep their attention to this side of the RV
while we go forthe ammo.
That's great, Jeff.
Okay, but there's no bait shop around, okay.
Where are we going to get bait?
You heartless bastards.
No, no, no, wait.
Why do we both have to go again?
Because, I'd rather have two armed people out there than one.
- Now let's go. -Wait...Iook l...
Look, I could cover you. I'll be like 'You could do it, Jeff.'
Yeah, yeah, really, with one bullet, dude.
Gary ain't getting any fresher.
All right. Here's what we're going to do.
We're going out there and we're going to get those bullets, all right.
Which had better be there.
I'm going to open it up with that key,
and you're going to be my look out.
- Do you understand me? - Yeah, yeah.
- Do you understand? - Yeah!
I got nothing.
Oh, that's better.
Yeah, choke on him you bastard.
Well, what are you waiting for?
- Come on! - All right.
Go, go.
Gary! Oh, Gary...
- Hurry up. - I'm trying, man.
Man, I'm serious! They're almost out of Gary.
I know! It's locked, dude. Shit!
We're going to have to run this thing back.
Okay? Grab it.
Ready. Go.
[roaring]
Olaf!
Who's fish-rapin' now?
If you boys are done lookin'...
I thought you lost your love for life.
Yeah, well, I couldn't have lived with guilt.
Forwhat, not helping us?
'Cause I gave you the wrong key.
[glass breaking]
Holy shit!
The key! Get the key!
Olaf, the key.
Oh my god.
Run!
You got him, man.
Now get the ammo. Come on, lets run.
Hey, what's in the other box?
Dynamite.
Will it work?
Maybe, maybe not.
Okay.
- Oh, guys, do you think I can get some... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry,
- There you go. Okay. - I don't know if this is...
Guard the RV.
Okay, let's go.
[clapping]
Well done.
You've managed to destroy my pets.
Now, bring me the relic.
- You can talk. - Talk?
We helped create your language.
- Dude. - Silence!
Bring me the relic or your death will be the length of most lifetimes!
[both screaming]
So, the bloodline of Lovecraft lives.
I guess so.
Then I suppose you will be able to watch your friends die.
[both screaming]
I'm sorry, Charlie! I didn't mean to do that.
Do over! Do over!
[screaming continues]
[heart beating]
[together] No!
[mournful music]
I can smell the ocean again
and seagulls.
I can hear the seagulls.
I freakin' hate seagulls,
but I feel the mist of the ocean.
It's okay.
It's okay now
and we can sail, going home.
It's so beautiful.
Hey, he's gone. You've got to let him go.
Wait.
What happened to the captain?
He's gone.
He's gone?
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think I just peed myself.
[thud]
Reload, reload.
That's all my ammunition. You?
- That's the last one. - Oh, shit.
- Look, I say we make a run for it. - Okay.
At the count of three.
One, two, three.
Something is blocking it, man.
Hey! There's a thing out there!
Oh, shit.
Ah!
What the fuck!
Fuck! Shoot it!
I can't get a clear shot, man.
Shoot it!
I trust you! Fucking shoot it!
[roaring]
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
- Jeff! - Charlie!
Mother fucker!
What the fuck are we going to do now?
We're just got to get to the roof.
How?
I've got a plan.
Go!
- Oh, shit! - Go, go.
Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
[creature roaring]
We made it up. Now what?
That was the plan, to get to the roof.
We could have jumped out the window and then run for it.
We don't know how fast those fucking things are, man.
Okay, okay, so now what?
I got dynamite, bro.
Okay, okay, okay, so...
All right, I'm going to light this.
I'm going to throw it at that window
and I'm going to blow that mother fucker up.
How long are you going to make the fuse?
That long.
Okay, how about like that?
Sounds good.
Here, light that shit.
- Okay. - Here we go.
Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, throw it out. Throw it out. - Ready?
Hey, guys.
P.aul, what the fuck are you doing in there?
My arms don't work and there's tentacle things swinging around me
and dynamite next to my penis.
I don't like it, I don't like it!
I don't like it!
Okay, throw it now! Go!
Go!
[all yelling]
Duck down, it's gonna blow!
Where's the relic?
Son of a bitch.
God, I suck at saving the world.
[creature growling]
Well, this suck balls.
I'm glad your little plan didn't work.
P.erhaps I will allowyou to be slaves after all.
How much ammunition we got left?
I got nothing.
I got one left here.
[thunder cracks] Behold.
It's gonna' be all right.
[screaming]
This one's foryou, Olaf.
We did it, man.
We saved the world.
Yeah...we did.
[adventurous music]
There you go.
Cool, man.
Thank you, man. Take care.
- Hey, buddy. - Hey.
What's going on? You like the relic of Cthulhu, huh.
It's okay.
Hey, come here.
I don't tell this to most people, but this story,
it really happened.
No, it didn't.
No, I mean, I mean, to me and my friend, it really happened.
Can you just sign my comic?
I'm trying at the moment.
- I'm just trying to share with you tha-- - Just hand my comic, dude.
I got the map.
The council thinks there are maybe more important relics there.
P.aul is waiting with the plane.
Let's go.
The fate of the world rests with you now, kid.
Good luck.
[adventurous music]
[creature roaring]